2008-10-18T17:13:00.001-07:00

After nearly four decades of living in London, there are no flies on me. As you'd expect, I've uncovered a great deal about human nature and developed a number of useful principles that guide me in my everyday life. Now, as my birthday fast approaches, I think it's time I passed on some of that wisdom I've accumulated in one of the world's greatest capital cities.

2008-10-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

1. Never trust a plumber.

2. Some supermarket trolleys take euros as well as pounds.

3. There would be fewer park benches if people didn’t die.

4. Don’t let workmen in your house.

5. The things with the longer sell-by dates are at the back of the supermarket shelves.

6. Don’t go to Millwall without a police escort.

7. Don’t go to Millwall even if you do have a police escort.

8. Watch your wallet if the restaurant menu contains the word ‘jus’.

9. Catchphrases are always funny.

10. Cycle couriers never stop at lights.

11. Toast and marmalade are always better in a hotel.

12. The free market is great, except when it comes to guns, drugs, prostitution, healthcare, housing, education and public transport.

13. People aren’t always happy in retirement.

14. It’s easier to get a sticker saying “Caution – water very hot” than it is to turn down the thermostat.

15. Old people are always under the doctor.

16. Flattery will get you anywhere.

17. Philately will get you nowhere.

18. If someone says “you can’t miss it”, you always will.

19. People who use their sat nav to slow down at speed traps are a**holes.

20. It’s better to shower in the morning than at bedtime

21. There is an inverse relationship between the volume of music played on a mobile phone and the IQ of the person playing it.

22. “A top-security police station in London” always means Paddington Green.

23. You should never, ever, under any circumstances open a packet of Pringles.

24. They’d get rid of more copies of the Big Issue if it were free like the Metro.

25. Girls who flirt with you in the street are always charity muggers.

26. Getting high on sniffing Marmite should probably be made illegal.

27. If someone really wants to blow something up, they usually can.

28. If you shave immediately after a bath or a shower, you don’t need any foam or oil.

29. No matter how many times they turn £5.00 into £4.99, you always fall for it.

30. You can guess which men wouldn’t normally wash their hands.

31. The same lady does the voiceover for all the call centre holding messages.

32. Women don’t like men with beards.

33. You turn keys to the right when you’re locking a door and to the left when you’re unlocking it.

34. People don’t use roof racks on their cars any more.

35. No one knows you better than the iTunes “just for you” feature.

36. Beneath the most beautiful snow or leaves, you’ll still find dog s**t.

37. We want environmentally friendly packaging, but we’d hate to lose variety pack cereals.

38. Even short trips on a cross-channel ferry are always a mistake.

39. The light and whistle they give you on your airline lifejacket would be s*d all use for attracting attention.

40. Catchphrases are even more funny when they’re repeated endlessly.

40 things I've learned in the past 40 years